I heard her voice today. Her love, her jokes, her infectious laugh. I heard it. I felt it.
I cried. I smiled. And I snapped a lot of footage to my cousins today.
The date at the bottom of the home video said December 25, 1999. There were many “scenes” from the videos that made me smile, but one that stood out was of my mom. She stepped out from behind the camera and let Lindsay film her. She was opening a small glass blown ornament of a yellow school bus she got from the girls. Her words that I hear as I type, ” I will cherish this forever and ever”. Little did she or any of us know 3 years later would be her forever. Time was not on my side.
I kept up with the theme of the day which was titled: FEELS. I continued to watch all the videos she made from our trips to Hawaii, to my softball games and the hardest: me moving into college without her. Her monologue as I watched made me feel as if I was still there with her in the moment. And then I began to think about all the moments I have been doing something or somewhere magical and I was not really “in the moment”, as corny as it sounds. I was not “present” and time had passed me.
Here Belinda captured me meeting my Freshman College roommate, Jessica. She also captured my awful hairstyle after donating to locks of love. This look really killed my social life.
I watch these films almost twenty years later and feel like time has passed gracefully, and gotten less painful, but in all of it has allowed me to appreciate and recognize that time really has been my best friend and my worst enemy.
Think about something in your life that went wrong or was painful. Time stood still. Now travel to the time where everything was right and you were having fun and really living…time blew by. My fear as Ryan gets older and as I get older, is time will pass me and I will not really ever know I was in the “good old” moments. You tend to realize those things when you have lost someone: a friend, a parent or just felt lost.
These “feels” also come with me taking on the role, as many of you have as a mom, and starting to have less and less time for me and wondering, where did the time go? I work now 8 hours a day, I mom after work until 7-8, I then wife 8-10, only to go back to mom role to prepare for the next day and the cycle continues. It is not a bad thing, so I do not type this with resentment or anger, I just reflect on what we all may start to realize is time is moving along and does not have any plans on slowing down. And I also ask you moms out there….how have we been doing this for years and still manage to keep it all together?
The laughter from the Christmas video with my family made me so happy. And that is where time becomes my best friend. Because of these videos, my mom captured something I will always cherish. The memories and wonderful childhood I had growing up. My cousins will forever have a spot in my heart that will remain full of love.
As I approach my mid 30’s I have learned many, many lessons. I think losing my mom helped mold me into a person that does not allow time to go by without spending it with the people you love, keeping in touch and always keeping things light. She also taught me to spend my money on travel, taking advantage of the opportunity to have all the people I love in the same place.
My hope for the future is that I continue to keep wholesome relationships and friends that enrich my life, learn MORE about the people in my life and carve out some time for me and my family. Even finding time to jot these small thoughts down seemed impossible.
I want Ryan to know all my friends and family that made my time here on this earth so much fun. I also want people to remember ME as a person that made their time on this earth unforgettable. Time goes by faster than you think, so put the phones down, pay attention to the people in front of you and capture the moments that make your heart and life full. And if you get the chance, make a home video…and if you’re a mom get in front of the camera, do not always be behind it.
Thank you to my wonderful mother in Heaven above that made these videos so that twenty years later my cousins, Belinda, Courtney and everyone involved could reunite and laugh but the coolest thing of all: is still hearing your voice. ❤