Somewhere between being pregnant and delivering a baby I have lost myself. I have lost my sense of worth, identity and the Pierce/Thorsen girl you knew from day one. Today I write to express not to entertain.
When I was pregnant I felt amazing. I had a non traditional 9 months with my daughter. No issues, no complications and a breeze labor and delivery. What seemed like it should have been the scariest time in my life was one of my most pleasurable. After Ryan of course, I had my times of learning as a new mom, but I was also navigating another avenue in my life of letting go of myself and giving more than 100% to another little soul.
As many of you know I am or was a social butterfly. Pre-Ryan days I was playing kickball/softball, terrorizing the downtown streets of Raleigh and living a go go go lifestyle. I had my social life, my at home life with Harper, (who is amazing-but I will delve into that later) and my sports life. Nothing seemed to slow me down. I could have my cake and eat it too kinda thing.
I have never been able to fully understand the term, “just chill out”, I actually hate the term. Like my mother, when people tell me to “just chill out” I cringe. Mainly because I do not tell your lazy ass to just “hurry it up”, “put pep in your step”. I view it as someone telling me “I take on way too much” and “just relax”. And maybe that is the case, but I have never been able to fully sit on a couch and relax without thinking something needed to be done. It is in my blood to be on the move and now I am struggling with “chilling out” from things I used to do and love. (unlike this kid below and her chill skills)
I have been staying at home with Ry for almost 7 months now. Harper has been blessed with a wonderful job and family at Cisco and for allowing me that time here with Ryan, I will never be able to thank him or the company enough. I enjoy my days doing things with her, seeing some of her firsts (which Harper has to miss because he is providing for our family) and developing her into the awesome little kid she is destined to be. HOWEVER, I was not born to stay at home. I have adapted but not with grace. I need adult interaction to feel normal, I want a steady income to feel like a contributor and I want all of this at no disruption to any of my family.
Easier said than done right.
Another factor is my body. I appreciate everyone who has made the nice comment “You look great”, it really does go farther than you think when inside you (and probably every woman) feels different. I know you have to put in hard work to lose the pregnancy weight and some people do not ever lose it, but I am in this rut where I do not feel 100% Ashley without being back down to my pre prego weight.
(And my mind is spitting things out here faster than I can type but just bear with me)
Its 10 lbs left for me to get there but for some reason I am putting more pressure on myself to get rid of it. There are a ton of things I can do: go back to cross-fit, start running, eat less chocolate but I find myself now making excuses for why I can NOT vs years ago pre baby when I would NEVER find a reason not to achieve a goal. This isn’t me.
Where I seemed to veer off course and into a ditch was not fully realizing that having a baby changed the world. For the better yes. No doubt Ryan brings light into both our lives hourly. But in my own world I struggle now with my weight: something that never bothered me in the past. My emotions: hormones are a bitch and I am not quite sure why women have to have so much of them when pregnant and after. What I used to brush off as a joke or sarcasm now rubs me the wrong way or puts me on edge. I swear its those damn hormones. And I will say it because I know I can not be the only one to go through it, but I take these things out on the one person who loves me unconditionally, for better or for worse and through my dark times he is always there, I sometimes beat down my husband because I “feel as if I am doing it all around the house”, when in reality “isn’t that my job”?
I am also not here to unload any issues Harper and I might have on a public forum, what I am saying is this “rut” I am in has allowed me to lose sight of my team mate and all he gives and has done for me and Ryan. What could be a un-done load of laundry or sweeping the m-f-ing stairs is a simple task I view as something that needs to be done right away but in reality: Is the house burning down Ashley? Is your family in danger? Are you living on the streets? NO-OK well time to mount up, put on your big girl panties (not the granny ones from the hospital) and get with the program.
Some of you are accountable by posting on social media, some by paying money into a trainer and some can hold yourself accountable just by being present. I commend you on which ever way you choose to get the mission accomplished. For me it will take time and patience. Things I feel that run short now a days with a child. But its achievable right….women have been doing this for years.
So I write today to get it off my chest, say it out loud an begin the process of betterment. I have goals, I have dreams and all is not lost that once was. I know buried beneath the new mom of 6 months armor is Pierce/Thorsen, the girl who will always be ready to party but hopefully a little lighter, a little more relaxed and a lot more lovable now that there is a mini me running around.
Thank you for listening to me just say it out loud, I am going to go weigh myself and hope to be 10 lbs lighter from all of this!
And thank you to the momma who sat with me today after Stroller Strides and let me know we are all in this together-you know who you are. ❤